Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Summer Heat Makes Me Sorta Bitchy, or The Bummer Of Imperfect Genetics

Damn, it is hot.

I mean, good Lord, it's only April.

Spring itself is but a babe in arms, just barely a month old (not even off the breast!) and yet she somehow displays the unbecoming heat of her adolescent sister, Summer - complete with slutty outfits and bad attitude, to be sure.

Point is, it's been fucking hot out, and I'm so over it already. In just two days of turning on the A/C I've grown weary of going to sleep at night splayed atop my covers like a dead animal, my t-shirt sticky against my lightly sweaty skin. Hard to believe, right? since it sounds so fun. I've tried sleeping with a re-freezable cold pack, which kind of helps but not really since the unbearable warmth between my breasts ultimately sucks the cold right out of it. I've also tried keeping a glass of cool water at my bedside, which again fails me miserably not only because it's lukewarm by about 12:30am, but because it causes me to have to pee at regular intervals throughout the night. This is both terribly uncomfortable and disruptive to my sleep cycles and sends my resting heart rate through the roof; that is, once I can stop battling the voices in my head that tell me to stay in bed it's a-ok to piss my pants.

My final method of choice is, I believe, a pretty common fall-back heat fighting option: The Cold Shower. Sure it calms my nerves when I'm feeling unbearably sexy with no place to go*, but it's also in theory a good way to lower one's core temperature and relieve oneself of the awfulness that is Summer heat. Of course, once I'm actually IN the shower with the water ON, it's all but impossible to heat the water right back up. Goosebumps and shivers are hardly a cure to heat exhaustion. God, nothing helps. It's so annoying.

But this brings me to my actual point, and it is this: Some things are really only good in theory.

Yeah, yeah I know. This is hardly a new thought. I'm not claiming to forge new philosophical ground, people. Never claimed to do nothin' of the sort. Allz I do is write what I think, and right now I'm thinking it's an effing hotbox in my room, and yes sometimes my thoughts are terrifically ordinary. So what. You can stop reading.

That aside, I think it actually is an interesting notion to ponder, because I often find myself doing or thinking things that work in my head, but in reality (or in practice, as they say) fall somewhere short of realistic.

Take, for instance, this two-headed baby.

In theory, if I saw this double-faced baby say, at the grocery store with her/their mom, or playing on a swing at the park, I would be very gracious and kind. I would try not to make the parents feel awkward or judged by their child's (or is it children's?) genetic misfortune. No, in theory I would be the model compassionate citizen and politely offer the little girl(s) two Otter-pops whenever I hosted a backyard BBQ, and two goodie bags at my kid's birthday party. And I would even be cool enough to casually dismiss the existence of the child's two faces by blurring my eyes when I looked at them so that the two faces created one. In theory, I would NOT make puns about the child's "duplicitous nature," or watch Batman Forever in her presence (the one where Tommy Lee Jones plays Two-Face... that would be so brutal).

But that's just in theory.

In reality, if I saw this poor little baby with two faces in the arms of its mother, I would almost certainly have trouble not gawking. Of course I wouldn't make faces, or stare with my mouth agape**... but I'd probably stare. Just a little. I'm sorry! It's just so rare, and COME ON TWO FACES! I know, there should be a place where all the people who have unbelievable curiosities about them can get together and showcase their absurd genetic "gifts!" And this place should be under a big red and white striped tent.... with a circle in the middle where they can go display themselves in brightly colored clothing... and people can come and eat peanuts and watch them eat Otter-pops.... Oh, and there should be elephants.

Great idea, right? IN THEORY. (Cue Old Man in a derby waving his hand across the sky saying in his most convincing voice, "I got big dreams kid. We're gonna be rich!") I fear in reality this would be a lot like the circus, which is a frightening, horrible place to take a child. Even a two-faced child.

I'm a horrible person.

In a perfect world no one would have four eyes and two mouths. In theory, even in our completely imperfect world "no one" really has four eyes and two mouths. But then again, the world is a much nicer place, in theory...

Take a second and re-read the circus comments.

Looks like I, too, am much nicer in theory.

*That's actually plainly untrue. Nothing helps.

** Yes I would.


*RyRowe* said...

This post got me ta' thinkin, what WOULD "calm my nerves when I'm feeling unbearably sexy with no place to go"?
Well, here goes(please contribute):
Swift kick to the genitals
Bee sting
Iron burn
Family member dieing
Watching someone puke live
Seeing your grandma naked

TheTOB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TheTOB said...

I will agree with everything on Rowe's list.

Let's see what I can add...

-Those pictures of STD-infested genitalia that they showed you during 9th grade Health class.

-This Photo:

*RyRowe* said...

Pubes on a urinal
Kathy Bates nude scene in 'About Schmidt'
That live-birth video footage they show you in Science class Sophomore year

TheTOB said...

-When you walk into a public bathroom and there is a whole log or, possibly worse than that, little floaty remains of some dude's poop still in the toilet.
-Hearing your parents bone
-Being told a story by your uncle of him hearing your 65-year old or so at the time grandparents bone
-Catching a whiff of a fishy vahj
-Seeing a picture of a hairy back
-Pulling off a girl's panties and finding an unkempt forest.