Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Craigslist.org Truly Blows My Mind, or "WF, 23, well-Endowed, Seeks LTR with the Internet."

My God, I do love Craigslist.

If and when I have a baby boy (fingers crossed- I don't want to have to drown a girl!) I'm going to consider naming him Craig. Or at least nicknaming him Craig. I'm not sure that the name Craig is actually a name I'd give my child, but I want the point to be clear that I'd fucking fight lions for Craigslist and love it enough to briefly mention in my blog that I might possibly, but not probably, consider naming my future son Craig.

I know! I'm going to name my dog Craig. No, strike that. I'm naming my dog CRAIGSLIST!

Here boy! Fetch mommy a new couch!

Perhaps you're reading this and have thus begun to scratch your chin, deep in thought as to why exactly I am so in love with Craig and his infamous list. In fact, I'm sure that's what you're doing right now. Even if you weren't before, I bet you just scratched your chin. Don't lie, I know you did, I sawl it.

My first reason for loving Craigslist is that it has provided me with countless hours of free entertainment in the form of the Craigslist Personals. Take for random example, Chris: a 39 year-old pantyhose lover from Brentwood.

Pantyhose lover seeks same... - 39 (Brentwood)

Reply to: pers-652725528@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-04-22, 8:18PM PDT

I have always loved the look and feel of women's legs in nylon. I especially like sheer suntan pantyhose worn with casual clothes, like shorts and sneakers (but skirt and heels are nice, too!). I am not looking for sex necessarily; just some pantyhose modeling, maybe a little role play and all the leg and foot massage you want.

Hope to hear from you,
Chris (Pantyhose lover in Brentwood)

Chris is just a regular guy, right? He's just your average, hosiery-loving Dude. He doesn't want to hurt anyone. Hell, he doesn't even want sex! Chris just likes a little hose on his ho's... you knows? And he lives in Brentwood, the birthplace of Class. How convenient that would be for me, if only I were a woman who wore pantyhose* and enjoyed disturbing role play... and wanted to DIE while getting a foot massage.

A match made in heaven, surely, for some lucky broad.

I can imagine the response he'll get, ultimately from an EXTREMELY classy ol' cougar, crusty with uneven self tanner and Tahitian-Temptress nylons (obviously trying to hide the unsightly spots with which Time has cursed her). "Well hello there young man," she'll write (in her sexiest font - let's face it, probably Lucida Calligraphy). "I may be old enough to be your mother, but I'm kinky enough to pretend I really am. I just LOVE role-play and at 67, I'm no stranger to close encounters with death. I've had three orally-induced strokes already! I hope you're ready for this gray-haired goddess!"

Oh, Chris. You are hilarious. And pathetic. And you've successfully humiliated yourself in front of everyone in the whole world. I hope I see you at Coral Tree on Sunday morning with a nylon-donning dame on your arm. And I hope it's Dame Judi Dench, cuz damn that old bitch is fly.

So perusing other peoples' lamentable love-quests is one really good reason for naming my future doggie Craigslist. Because this magical place has the power to bridge the gap (sometimes the gaping hole, if we're still talkin' old broads) between people. Craigslist supports Honesty and the Power of Love, which is the most powerful force in alllll the land!

Another reason I love Craigslist is that it provides me with a sense of possibility. When I get bored at work, which is all day every day, I often like to take a look at real estate in far away places. Places like Greece, and Indonesia (yeah right, jk), and Costa Rica. Did you know you can rent a studio apartment in Athens for 300 Euro per month? If that doesn't suit you, Costa Rica generously offers beach front properties for as low as $500/mo. - and that INCLUDES the Doberman out front to guard you from the dark, dark night!

All cheekiness aside (okay, it's never actually aside, that was a bald-faced lie**), I like knowing that there is a world beyond my own, where people rent cozy flats in foreign cities, or fasten hammocks to backyard palm trees. Because some days, mine feels like a soul-sucking vacuum.

Call me a Craigslist Escapist, because dammit, that's what I am.

Sure I could tell you romantic tales of how I found my sage-green Plummers sofa, or my bed-frame, or my newly-repaired car on Craigslist. Or how I sold off a wool rug and a twin-size mattress (who needs it!) using the very same free, web-based community forum. But those stories lie at the mere edges of my Venn diagram of reasons for loving Craigslist. They are but the film atop my pudding snack - sure they keep it tasting fresh, but they are a far cry from the best part!

By now, of course, Craigslist is nothing new to people, and someone has probably already thought to name their pup Craigslist and my idea has already been ruined, and the Internet has probably already found a girlfriend (that pantyhose wearing WHORE)... but I still love every part of it, from concept, to boredom browsing, to actual point-of-sale execution. And I will continue to love Craigslist...

Until I have nothing left to post.

*I'm half Lebanese and thus God has painted my skin a certain shade of caramel. I don't need no lousy pantyhose!

** The expression is indeed "Bald-Faced Lie," though it is often confused with "Bold-Faced Lie," which is wrong. [http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_the_correct_term_'bold_face_lie'_or_'bald_faced_lie'_or_another_variation]


TheTOB said...

Bullshit bullshit, A THOUSAND TIMES bullshit! PRECISELY WRONG. Any time you use WIKIANSWERS to support your argument, you know you're in trouble.

From Merriam-Webster:

The truth is this: both are used, and so is barefaced. Bald-faced is the newest term; its first known print appearance dates back only 62 years, to 1943. Bold-faced is some four centuries older than that, dating to 1591. Although you might guess bald-faced developed out of a mishearing of bold-faced, the meanings of the two adjectives are not synonymous. Bold-faced means "bold in manner or conduct; impudent"; bald-faced has the same meaning as barefaced: "open; unconcealed"; and "having or showing a lack of scruples."

Barefaced is one year older than bold-faced; its first print appearance dates to 1590. But the original meaning of barefaced was literal: it meant "having the face uncovered," either "beardless" or "wearing no mask." Not surprisingly, folks using the word barefaced were open to shifting the adjective into the metaphoric realm: barefaced soon came to describe something "unconcealed or open"; and then something "showing or having a lack of scruples."

So, it appears that both are used. However, bald-faced almost assuredly was just some jamoke who used it mistakenly, and then the thing caught on. I think bold-faced makes more sense, given the two definitions, because I use it in the sense that the person is boldly lying, knowing that you know, and not caring about it a'tall.

I am a firm believer in the evolution of language. As an amateur linguist, I understand that language adapts and changes over time...but I shall never myself utter the phrase, "bald-faced" - so crass. So uncouth. So lowbrow.

TheTOB said...

In re: Craigslist...

I do not share your love for it. It's ok. It's just a cesspool for the dregs of society. It frightens me that these kinds of people walk around me, undetected by what at one time I considered a nearly flawless radar for such things.

I've tried to sell things and always get either stood up or complete weirdos who, frankly, I don't WANT to sell my BBQ to, OK!?

I'm being a bit facetious, obviously (in law school they taught me that if you need to use the words "obviously" or "clearly" then what you said wasn't obvious or clear at all. I mention this because I doubt it was obvious that I was being facetious). Craigslist is pretty cool, and I, too, have (how's that for a comma splice? I guess technically it's not a splice because I have a conjunction, but whatever. It's a mess o' commas) been known to get lost in the crazy Craigslist personals. I especially like the Missed Connections. Those have always cracked me up. I wonder if anyone in the history of the world has met their future spouse on a classified Missed Connection ad. I'm sure it's happened. What a story that would be. Maaaaaybe I'll post an ad on Craigslist asking if anyone met their spouse through a Missed Connection and if so, could the two of them meet me for a drink to tell their story. How Serendipitous (yes, I intentionally used that word to reference the movie which is sort of a Missed Connection story, in some way).

I think I am done rambling. Craigslist is just making me angry these days because it's impossible to find an apt on there that sounds awesome without 1000s of other people also finding it.

P.S. What is LTR?

Lisa said...


Lisa said...

Long Term Relationship

Jessie said...

Get a room, you two. Your digital foreplay is wasting internet space that could be used for perfectly good porn.

Jessie said...

P.s. Tommy is a Blog Nazi!