Monday, February 23, 2009

How Nice Life Would Be In A Breastless World, or Fun-bags That Aren't Fun Are Just Bags

Having boobs sort of sucks, and I wish they didn't exist.

To all the gentlemen out there reading this, I realize that your opinions may differ. Chances are you really like boobs. You might even be obsessed with them. Against your (allegedly) better judgement, I'd encourage you to open up your mind to the awesome possibility of a world without breasts.

The diatribe that will shortly follow may seem a little uncalled for, but you must believe it's not. My breast-hate is not entirely unfounded. I've been the owner of two of my own for upwards of a decade. With the exception of winning me a free drink here and here, rarely have they served me well. In fact, I'm one of a multitude of women young and old who has voluntarily reduced the size of her boobs for perfectly legit physiological reasons. My life is better for it, but wouldn't it be nice if an invasive surgery wasn't necessary at all? I wholeheartedly believe, albeit pointlessly, that a world without boobs would simply be a better place.

The first of many reasons I support a titless utopia is the issue of pain. Hate to break it to you, but boobs hurt. At least mine do. The initial growth of breasts is perhaps the most painful period of all. What turns into a veritable tumor of flesh and glands begins its existence as a little hard ball. Around age 10 these painful 'mosquito bites' make their first appearance causing unbearable tenderness and unsightly stretch marks for the next 4 to 6 years. But the pain doesn't stop there. It continues once a month for the rest of a woman's adult life, making it damn near impossible to do things most men take for granted like running, jumping, hugging, and getting punched in the chest. Breasts of the large variety can cause chronic back pain, and I've heard tit-feeding babies isn't the most comfortable thing in the world. Who's excited for bite marks and breast pumps? Ladies, I'm talking to you.
Looks like fun!
Another reason for my anti-boob position is the inherent unfairness of genetic variation. Any room with people in it will house as many breast types as it will women. Some boobs are small, some boobs are large. Most are lopsided. Many are made of silicone. This wide array of breast shapes, sizes, and chemical composition is the root of a lot of self-esteem issues for a shit-ton of women. Unless your boobs are perfectly proportioned to your frame, which, let's face it rarely happens, they're either too big or too small. Now, I've only ever been on one side of the size spectrum, so I can't speak for lesser endowed girls. But I can only imagine that it's not any fun being small chested. Many women are the subject of mean comments, cruel names, and unkind gossip for either being too small, too big, or too fake. I'm not really an advocate of fake boobs, nor am I and advocate of boobs at all, but what can we expect as a society if the emphasis is so squarely placed on boobie perfection? Hundreds of thousands of women put themselves under the knife every year in the name of their tiny/sagging/lopsided breasts. Some of them are under the age of 18. This is crazy to me! Am I the only one who thinks this is crazy?

Think about it: If we didn't have boobs, we wouldn't need fake boobs. And if we didn't have fake boobs, we wouldn't have horrible television shows like "The Real Housewives of Orange County," now would we. This, my friends, is the point.

Third reason: Cancer. Breast cancer kills millions of women ever year, and it scares the living shit out of me. So who effing needs it?

Other miscellaneous reasons include: underboob sweat, the excessive cost of decent bras, the impossibility of removing your shirt in public without being gawked at or called a slut, and accidentally bumping into people with your boobs is embarrassing. Also, 8 lbs of useless flesh pressing against my lungs impairs my breathing. Lifting my boobs off my chest actually makes breathing easier, so that can't be good for my health.

Hopefully I'm making myself clear.

Breasts have been near the focus of our existence as a species since the very beginning. True, boobies are not strictly for oogling or feeling up. The mammary gland is actually a useful organ for those who choose to reproduce. I'm just surprised we haven't evolved beyond our need for boobs.

The other edge to this sword is of course the fact that I'm glad I have boobs. I feel it's better to be born with than born without, sort of like I feel it's better to be born American than Canadian. Or that Coke is better than Pepsi. Or that dogs are better than cats.* After 10 years I'm pretty used to the disadvantages, though I do wish buying clothes was easier for well endowed women.

I'm sure that if you have an enormous penis, you can relate.

*Way, way better.


TheTOB said...

I can.

TheTOB said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TheTOB said...


While I understand your complaints, and they do seem like a pain in the ass, boobs are sweet.

*RyRowe* said...

heres a question i shared with a young woman at a bar in sacramento this weekend: why do we(men) love boobs so much? i love them(on you...women). its always been this way - as long as i can remember feeling *those* kind of feelings. my brain recognizes that they are basically protruding orbs of fat with very little function...but i like them, and i want to touch them...constantly.
My thought is the male obsession with boobs may stem from breast feeding as an infant. Thoughts???

Lisa said...

I think men like boobs because they don't have them. And because they're squishy and soft and strange and strangely beautiful. I also think there's an Oedipal thing going on, as you suggest.

RichterSauce said...


Mehdi Jafri said...

Very nice and gentle approach but what would males do without breast.

Their fun and sex appeal is female's breast.

My view without breast is like a tree without flowers.

Please visit

Rahila Kausar said...

To me BREASTS are the most attractive part of the Female body. I would jealously guard if anyone think about a world without breast. Its a sex appetizer, so to say. My sex life revolves around breasts when shown and move.

This (Breasts) provide comfort to mothers at the time when baby asks for milk and mother has nothing to do but to pull over her cloth with her eyes closed.

Isn't it a gift from God and a blessing.

Everything which a chef or a nutritionist could suggest (which is in fact not possible) is available in mother feed.