Wednesday, September 26, 2007

How To Spot A Terrorist, or A Pocket-Guide to Blatant Idiocy

The American media has come a long way.

No. Wait. That's not the expression I'm looking for. Maybe what I mean is, The American media has gone too far.

Granted, my office is not the happiest of places, and after this morning's awkward elevator ride I thought for sure any hopes for a pleasant day were dashed, but I was pleasantly surprised, albeit disturbed (the two go hand in hand) when I came across the following article, if you can call it that, in today's issue of USA Today.

A few thoughts immediately came to mind, the first of which was: "Thank God someone has taken the time to give the American people the information they really need."

A quick reference guide to spotting terrorists is clearly long overdue. Chellooo? This could have been super-handy on September 10th. And in today's fast-paced, terrorist-riddled society nothing short of a pocket-guide would do. Everyone has ADD and/or can't read. USA Today knows this, and that's what makes them a great newspaper.

The second thought was: "If USA Today can make it this easy to spot terrorists, why don't they publish more quick-reference guides to identifying other societal filth?"

Why not a handy picture grid on How to Spot Potential Bitches, or This Is What A Cheating Boyfriend Looks Like. What about Don't Work For Anyone Who Looks Like This? Oh boy, would that have been helpful!

Now wait a second, my boss looks a lot like the Inner Brow Raiser...Oh God. I feel sick.

Really though, if it's that easy to identify those individuals who are most likely to blow shit up based on bushy eyebrows and bags under the eyes, then shouldn't publishers take the next step and help us all out with Quick-Spot guides we could use on days we're maybe not fighting terror?*

Allz I'm sayin' is I'm glad USA Today was willing to make this kind of visual information accessible to Americans everywhere. Especially the ones who work in airports (i.e. The ones who can't read).

Terrorists are bad, and should be spotted.

Now, if I could just change the shape of my eyebrows and take care of the bags under my eyes...

* Please note, we should all be fighting terror every day, even if it's with our minds.

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